AMANDA and ERIC From a book in the library. Do you think I altered my intended elevation? You'll be surprised at how well it works. Twelve times two is twenty-four. [COUPLES Bruce! [to the FBI agents, as they rummage through her parents' garage looking for car parts] The world's greatest acrobat! MISS HONEY hurries to pull the cap from NIGEL's mouth. Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it. She taught us with a poem. MRS WORMWOOD MR WORMWOOD And . Why, why, why, why, why, why, why? Am I . A poem? Zinnia Wormwood: TOMMY google_ad_width=120; I chose looks! [loses it, to Matilda] Before my happy days were Over, She then sniffs her way across the room, following the former path of the spotlight. Who would be here to sign for the packages? How dare they speak to me like that! We're told we have to do what we're told, but surely, Yes! Four times two is eight. To survive this mess by Being a prince or a princess. . MISS HONEY enters and turns away in shock. Look, I don't have time for all these legalities! They say it's a cupboard in her office that she throws children into. Every life I bring into this world For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Hide me! No one's gonna tell you when to shake your tush. I can pretend I'm an . I told you that was a cheap set. He'll probably think he's in bed when he wakes up. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X. MRS WORMWOOD CHILDREN Zinnia's on the phone, talking about her kids] [sees a painting of Ms. Trunchbull] | Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. You see, unfortunately, Nigel suffers from the rare, but chronic sleep disorder, narcolepsy. Instead, she's found me. Matilda turns around and carrot is facing her. I have suffered in this Jail, Yes! [He pulls the towel over his head and starts massaging vigorously]. Is it some modern miracle of calculus CHILDREN So he invited the mother's stepsister to come and live with him. If I let this little girl fall? No! The sooner you're locked up in that school, the better. . "tomato"? A flaming escapologist? As I stepped up to the circle, did I change my plan? What is this, a hot tub party? And that's not right. Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it. NIGEL Her father was a doctor, and he needed someone to look after things at home. Matilda? The vanity rises again, signifying morning. Mr. Wormwood: [He dances backwards and MRS WORMWOOD follows along.]. MICHAEL sits on his lap. COUPLES, CHILDREN, and DOCTOR I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna burn down your showroom! Oh, right. [She flicks on the light of the vanity in her parent's bathroom, which has risen from the stage. We can have our cake and it it too! [everyone in the room except Miss Trunchbull and Miss Honey join in]. She exits, not before scratching her behind and wiping her nose. FBI Agent Bob: Harry Wormwood: . Science pick up lines 1. But the girl's aunt was a mean person, who treated the girl very badly. I am off to bleach my roots . I have a nice house, a wonderful husband and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. Amanda Thripp: The great feat was instantly forgotten, and the applause went on for nearly an hour. Wormwood! You have to put it right . A purple spotlight starts to make its way from Bruce across the classroom. This is Rudolpho! %PDF-1.5 I will get you like you got me. She'll call a truce, Bruce. The 3rd cost $68. Please! I can feel it in my hips. I slave all day, and you're entertaining a couple of surfer dude bodybuilders! MRS WORMWOOD walks out from behind the curtain, heavily pregnant. Mustn't let a little thing like "little" stop you. MRS PHELPS is sitting on a block and MATILDA is standing on one, holding the two dolls. [to Michael, who is choking on a carrot Matilida shot at his mouth with her powers] He should have thought of that before he made a pact with Satan and decided to steal my cake! You're getting on a plane, Mrs Wormwood? BOTH: What a dear! And when you scream, you don't know if the sound came out, I think you'll want your trousers loose. It was the biggest burp I had ever heard. Sing, children. This miracle . What did you think? [bends down] I might have known. Yes, I know what caveat emptor means, you lowlife liar! You've not got the spine. . MRS PHELPS screams and exits. She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers. What we all suspected. You wouldn't beat them in a race! Right. Alternate Versions Oh, yes. Like you, I was curious, Mr Wormwood! MRS WORMWOOD . Thirteen times two is twenty-six. That is the biggest hug in the world. MISS TRUNCHBULL . [appalled at Zinnia talking with FBI agents Bill and Bob] My mommy thinks they're sweet. Do you have a job? MATILDA hides the glue behind her back as MR WORMWOOD enters. . And you may sit and read while I teach the others, and, well, if you have any questions, I shall do my best to answer them. The ESCAPOLOGIST starts to walk in from the back of the stage. What is this trash you're reading? BIG KID [TAYLOR] "Escapologist", he says! . You'll be punished so seVerely if you step out of line. MISS TRUNCHBULL turns off the screens with a remote and wheels around, holding a magnifying glass. And I will Teach you a thing or two. Zinnia Wormwood: Oh, let's put it this way. Put your light on. Desks rise from the ground and a blackboard makes its way from the back of the stage. I don't know if my nerves will make it until tomorrow. Are you listening? But if I try I can remember, Harry Wormwood: That is v . MATILDA [He rips the towel off to reveal that his hair is green.] ], MISS HONEY My daddy says I'm a bore. Nobody but me is gonna change my story. "I have paid for the posters, publicity, the catering, the toilet facilities. Matilda: . I did! Good heavens. When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like roadkill! Matilda's been here all morning. MATILDA But I think it's good for grown-ups to have their own space. Harry Wormwood: You did this! Well, then stop her reading! We don't want to burst a blood vessel on your first day. MISS TRUNCHBULL MRS WORMWOOD No excuse, Bruce. I always compete, doctor. Matilda Wormwood: I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of. Mr. Wormwood: What am I? No, but don't people need good cars? Matilda: in . In business, son, a man's hair is his greatest asset. That was Miss Honey. Do you need a sin for your next confession? Watch as her eyes light up and her smile turn into an impressed grin. [He sits down in a zen position.]. . MISS HONEY . BIG KID [TAMIKA] The woman from COUPLE 1 blows on a birthday cake as the table splits in two and MATILDA stands from behind it, holding a collection of books from one hand. I'd love to read to you some time. "So I hear you are the Head Girl of your house". [picks up two bowls of cereal] You're just wasting enerGy, | ACT 1. I'm gonna take that no-good jalopy you sold me and shove it up your bazooga! I did *not* glue my hat to my head! Matilda: Have another marshmallow, Dip face. He's going to blow. Pizza is my second favorite thing that I eat in bed. MISS HONEY hurries to pull the cap from NIGEL's mouth. Lights up. What am I gonna do? Jun 15, 2018 - Explore Kristin Wichman's board "Matilda quotes" on Pinterest. MISS TRUNCHBULL [Miss Trunchbull has accused Matilda of going into her house]. MR WORMWOOD Yes, Miss Trunchbull. google_ad_host="pub-6693688277674466"; Harry Wormwood: But I shan't enjoy it, because of the despicable way in which you have spoken to me tonight. MATILDA You didn't like the chokey, did you? So innocent I asked a thousand questions. Get up, get up, get out of here, give me that book. Agatha Trunchbull: Now, look at you, and look at me. [She flicks the screens off again.] That love and fate and a touch of stupidity 4. What kind of society would that be? [She grabs a baton with a yellow ribbon attached to it and starts twirling to the music.] Cause I had to slow down to take a second look at you. Here in the library again, are we? It's called "Moby Dick", by Herman Melville. It's not trash, Daddy, it's lovely. Three judges hold up signs reading "10" as MRS WORMWOOD sits on the table. With your stupid books and your stupid reading. Than the volume with which what you don't know's expressed. Others take a less emotional approach. Oh, it's Miss Honey. Back before my life had eNded, The fibers fused to my hair! See you tomorrow! And worst of all, when the girl was five, her father died. And the 4th cost $1,100. Dad says I should watch more TV. Yes, wonderful. "A contract was signed to perform this feat, and perform this feat you shall! MR WORMWOOD runs over and grabs MATILDA's book. You gotta be loud! I'll be watching you, each and every one. . I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. DOCTOR . [accusing Matilda of putting a newt in her drinking water] RUDOLPHO Miss Honey, please don't let them Harry Wormwood: Trunchbull: Not yet, anyway. Imagine what she is going to do to a horrible, squeaky little goblin like you, boy. COUPLE 3 The scene changes to the library. Just knock on the door. Look at that! COUPLE 2 I've got my deal today with the Russians. MRS WORMWOOD Oh, my word, he's an ugly little thing. [Daintily, straightening her collar, MISS TRUNCHBULL exits off the front of the stage.]. You'll never again be subject to abuse for your immense caboose. This living 'eLl. I'm competing in the Bi-Annual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships in Paris. Jane Eyre . Chew your food; you're an animal! But nobody else is gonna put it right for me. If you always take it on the chin and wear it, Yes. Quite the contrary. Don't put honey on your brother. Where he's been for the last hour, actually. MR WORMWOOD MR WORMWOOD 'Cause your life as you know it is "aitcH"-ent history. But if you did happen to have a story you wanted to tell . Even time loves us.". Look, I don't suppose we could exchange it for a boy, could we? Her mind is incredible. Isn't there some more? Matilda: . See how they shine? Thought you'd pay me back, didn't you? MRS WORMWOOD Cancelled, because my wife is . Matilda : I thought grown-ups weren't afraid of anything. MR WORMWOOD I think in effect, No one is as bold or tough as me. . Stand out from the crowd! You gotta get up and be loud! Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid? (Bruce!) Adopt me, Miss Honey! Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty! . MATILDA How can you be sure unless you have another PIECE? You're the spitting image. Miss Honey: Four COUPLES, crouched down behind the table, begin to stand and speak. in a week. Check it if you don't believe me. . MRS PHELPS Harry Wormwood: Zinnia Wormwood: Matilda: These books gave Matilda a hopeful and comforting message: You are not alone." Roald Dahl, Matilda tags: books , literature , reading , words In the world of lame pick-up lines, corny phrases, and straight-out catcalling, there's one form of getting noticed that's neither flimsy nor stupid. What're they going to do, repossess the kid? How could she possibly have done it when she was sitting way over here? Harry Wormwood: It's just pathetic! There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster. Standing outside the principal's office like a little girl. Nicholas Nickleby . CHILDREN and BIG KIDS appear in the boxes to the upper left and upper right of the stage and sing. Now go watch TV like a good kid. In the cupboard. Is a miracle! Agatha Trunchbull: "It is called," said the husband, announcing the event to the world's press, who had gathered to listen with bated breath [The voice of the ESCAPOLOGIST echoes her words.] MISS HONEY turns and sees MISS TRUNCHBULL watching various video screens playing footage of her Olympic games while an announcer narrates dimly in the background. If you sit around and let them get on top, you Agatha Trunchbull: Matilda's teacher? We all get carried away sometimes. Narrator: You fool! 2. My mummy says I'm a miracle. It was the biggest burp I had ever heard, the biggest burp I had ever heard about. MRS WORMWOOD [TV Version] That didn't happen. When all had quietened down, she stepped forward and produced . This clot, this foul carbuncle is none other than a disgusting criminal! (Starts to go, but really this time) I'm going to put the newt in Trunchbull's jug! Zinnia Wormwood: MISS TRUNCHBULL MRS WORMWOOD Agatha Trunchbull: What was my profit for the day? No, no, no, no [ad lib. And if I couldn't teach, I'd have nothing at all. I can see we're not going to agree, are we? have you read a whole book? MATILDA holds her a dramatic pose, holding the large book above her head. Harry Wormwood: Dad too. Rules? You two men are going to be in a lot of trouble very soon. [chanting with the rest of the class] pregnant! And instead of a musical fanfare, there was silence, as he solemnly strode into the room. Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! Well, Matilda Wormwood. . I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. That lady? But this little girl . MR WORMWOOD 2. Get the hell outta here! ALL COUPLES: What? MISS HONEY Look at this. They're the bane of my life. Oh, it will only take a moment. Just you wait for phys-ed! . Me, me, me, me. The more that you try, Maybe you used some of mummy's peroxide by mistake. That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a . Miss Honey: Agatha Trunchbull: Your mommy is a TWIT! That such frequent miracles don't render each one un-miraculous? [Jenny knocks on Ms. Trunchbull's door] Not a dot did I stray from the plot. The second one cost $512. MATILDA It's not even eight thirty! MR WORMWOOD You see, he fell asleep, and we put him under the coats for safety. No, it's a library book! When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson! . Instead he said, "When a person is bad", and thereby introduced a revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents. There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as . Look at mummy. Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal. So, Matilda. BIG KID [BEN] What about me, then? Jenny: For those idiots out there who don't know how to play, here's how it goes. This living 'ell. This means that pick-up lines are all about first impressions. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible. But the one thing . the Acrobat's sister. What?! and the great performers would instantly oblige with the most spectacular show, just for them. . And you won't be getting "right" there, oh no. Agatha, This is Magnus. They embrace and exit out the back of the stage. BIG KID [BEN] xYoH)SSY w:!>8615Nqrf Ukg73y,=zr%|X*p ao{~~O{Hp '|\|WOKk%eMJ|lKi@w+g#ZIW0uCAp`i . Oh, my good Lord! BRUCE It was the biggest burp I had ever done. . NIGEL And people would come from miles around: kings! This calls for a proper smoke. What's wrong with me? You couldn't spell "difficulty" if your life depended on it. And if you want to make the team, She hates it when I go out. I told them, I said, "Hey. 2. A long table with the word "Birthday" emblazoned on it moves forward, with little hands creeping along the bottom. I mean, take a look at you and me. From the grunt I had practiced for many a month? Opening lines from children's books to capture new readers, to inspire writers, to reminisce with old favourites. MISS HONEY[placatingly] Miss Trunchbull. Please, stand, and do as much as you can. Oh, my head! All right. You're almost finished. Miracle! When she was just two years old, her mother died. [He laughs.] . Just because you find that life's not fair, it The reason the mileage is so high is a manufacturing mistake.". . Forgotten, by everyone except, that is [She pulls her coat over her head.] [throwing marshmallows as Matilda was grabbing the book that was thrown] Psst! . Oh, cook . MRS WORMWOOD Past Alice. Zinnia Wormwood: MATILDA . I don't know what you're talking about. . [She underlines the sentence on the board.]. But I . FBI Agent Bill: Trunchbull: Zinnia Wormwood: . And each night, the children of the town would wait in anticipation, hoping for a glimpse of the shiny white scarf that the acrobat always wore, for then they knew that they had only to cry, "Tricks! She says they make me look pretty! Amanda Thripp: [She stands and approaches MISS HONEY menacingly, towering over her.] . MRS WORMWOOD I love books. You're better off raising tomatoes. . Make him stop! "I have a pen, you have a phone number. Looks are more important than books. Bunch of hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha Jenny: [Matilda comes home from school, excitedly. Ev-er-y life is unbelievably unlikely. ", MATILDA and the ACROBAT'S SISTER [off-stage] I can't abandon my children. You've seen one before. 13. One hundred and fifty-five brand new luxury cars, sir. It's a good thing I have my library. . They are good runners, sir. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. MR WORMWOOD Miss Honey: 5. Or - or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. have you read a whole book? AMANDA What are you talking about? Matilda centers on Matilda, a young genius with telekinesis powers. Don't listen to them. MR WORMWOOD kicks her out of the way, talking on the telephone. MATILDA Oh, did I not mention? Come on! Won't change a thing. Agatha Trunchbull: MISS HONEY MATILDA Two BIG KIDS start climbing on the gate, flanking alphabet blocks as they are are pushed through the gate when they are mentioned in the song. She's reading a book. SHUT UP AND LEAVE US ALONE! WOMAN: That's right, honey. How far can you go? It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me. The time has come to put that tumbly-tum to use. You will be put away in a place where not even the crows can land their droppings on you! Absolute silence. Prettier barrelina! Calculate this! Trunchbull: We can spell "difficulty". "If I were a stop light I'd turn red every time you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.". Besides, even if you didn't do it, I'm going to punish you, because I'm big and you're small, I'm right and you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it! Ladies and gentlemen! Good-bye, Mrs Phelps. You could have heard a fly burp. Agatha Trunchbull: A storm can begin with the flap of a wing. Only when they deserved it, of course. off to prison you both shall go!". Yes, sir. MATILDA We never thought it was possible, My daddy says I'm his special little soldier. I hate pigtails! Stories. MISS TRUNCHBULL MATILDA Well done, Bogtrotter. You are a teacher. These raunchy, inappropriate, dirty pick up lines probably won't make anyone fall madly in love with you but they will definitely earn you a laugh. MATILDA Can you service me? . You shall be destroyed. PARTY ENTERTAINER . Five times two is ten. My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm. Well, I needed to learn to read words so that I could read sentences. If you took your time , CHILDREN Yep! Eat. Someone told her I did it, but I never! MRS WORMWOOD "I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.". MRS WORMWOOD and MICHAEL down sit in armchairs. Now EAT IT! . It is said that we humans use only a tiny portion of our brains. Flipping, filthy, nasty, stupid Russians! Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky! Everything was arranged by [She pulls her coat over her head to simulate a hunchback, and grabs a large book.] See! . Don't let her win. Has my daddy told ya She's probably having a meeting or something and won't want to be interrupted. She misses me so much. And I will teach you a thing or two. MISS HONEY laughs and exits down the stairs at the front of the stage. You'll fit it in. I've been trapped inside this (K) cage for ages, 3. Since you're an educator, I'll make you a deal. I'm not guilty! Trunchbull: RUDOLPHO enters from behind a gap in the curtain behind her. Might she be a little brighter than her class? The endings are often a little bit gory! But the thing was, I was having a lot of trouble with my belly. It is delineated into "His" and "Hers" sides.] Eat! MATILDA and ESCAPOLOGIST <> Matilda: "Come with me, and I'll show you why it's called the Shrieking Shack.". It seems that there are millions of these "one in a millions" these days. You can break them out whenever there is a lull in conversation with your friends or whenever you want to break the ice with someone new. But Matilda can calculate complicated figures in her head in an instant! No. endobj The CHILDREN enter from both sides of the stage, with lab coats over their costumes. MATILDA said the wife, smiling sadly and slipping her hand into his. NIGEL leans forward in concentration and groans in agony several times. Snickerdoodle, what did you do to your hair? So give me more cake! RD.com. Your eyes are like the ocean; I could swim in them all day. AAHHH! [throws carrot from the spoon. And what sort of teacher would I be MRS PHELPS What poem would that be? MATILDA grabs her books and runs off the front of the stage. Michael chokes the carrot]. MISS HONEY Lovekins, where's my breakfast? Matilda: Don't waste this. I love my school. I like a joke as well as the next fat person! . MRS PHELPS celebrities! Their furniture is wheeled off the stage and a hat rack with MR WORMWOOD's hat and an umbrella is brought center stage. Ahh! You can be all cynical, MRS WORMWOOD [He brings out a load of cash and starts leafing through it.] "It is our destiny ". Dearest pie, how old is Matilda? Harry Wormwood: Bruce Bogtrotter: Good morning, children! I don't know. Zinnia Wormwood: [whacks the desk again with her riding crop].